Wow, what an amazing weekend I had. I honestly couldn't trade it for the world. Before I left, I didn't know what to think about being a councilor at a D-NOW. I was nervous, excited, it was a flurry of emotions. But after the experience, I could honestly say it was a life changing event.

The first day was the ride up there and I honestly didn't know what to expect. I hung around those familiar to me and ate with them until it was time for worship. And from just the first worship service, the one to start us off, I felt something change. I felt my heart beat, I felt a lighter spirit, I felt goosebumps, I felt a shiver down my spine. It was my spirit. For so long it had been broken and beaten and now it was stirring again. So after worship we split off into our groups. My roomate, his brother, and myself were in charge of a group of the guys from my Uncle's church. We arrived at our host home, which is the house of a volunteer from the church, and started our small groups. TJ went with an idea we discussed earlier, quiet time to simply talk to God. I know how important it is and it's been times that I've been commanded quiet, personal time with God that I've allowed myself to open up to him. I knew these guys would need that. After our personal time with God, we engaged the guys. We asked them where they were in their spiritual life by comparing it to a gas tank and honestly the results were low, this included the councilors. I personally said that I've felt that I've been running on fumes, but there are times when I've pushed myself to a quarter of a tank. TJ then left the floor open for the guys to ask us something and one guy, Adam, asked us what our struggles were. I started off. I told him of my reclusive, pessimistic nature and how it's a struggle to see good, how it's a struggle to interact with others. However, it was TJ that suprised me. And after he gave his answer, I knew I had to talk to him. So after our small group session ended with prayer, I asked TJ if I could talk with him. I poured my heart out to him about what's been weighing me down for so long and the events that have happened in my life and he poured out his life problems to me. It was a personal type of fellowship that I've rarely experienced, but I feel it's important. It's very important to know you can trust a brother or sister in Christ so deeply, it's so important to have someone to support you in that Christ like manner. Well after many hours of us talking, we went to bed. Or so I thought. Some of the guys decided they wanted to joke around and pick on the little guy who was sleeping by duct taping him to the floor. I stopped that a few times. But after the last time of stopping them and trying to get them back, they targetted me. It was a war zone at odd hours in the morning that ended when one of the goobers rang the doorbell and woke up Mrs. Jennifer, our host. Needless to say I tucked tale and ran to my room.

So it was the next day and there were two different tracks we could attend. The first was in the morning, feeding the homeless. The other was recreation time that afternoon. TJ already decided we'd do the feeding the homeless and let me tell you, it was a true blessing. We went to a small park in a run down part of Jackson where there were many homeless. We engaged them, we fed them, we played with them, and what really put a smile on my face was that we saved some of them. The most amazing thing was we were working with a church of a different Denomination, but the woman put it like this. We are not a color (She was a black lady), we are not a gender, we are not a religion or denomination, we are brothers and sisters in Christ. And let me tell you, this woman was on fire for the Lord. It was truely awe inspiring to see how filled with the Spirit she was. To see, hear, and experience what we did that day changed everyone of us who went. It was an eye opener that the older members of our group got to experience, including the councilors. I felt truely humbled and blessed. What saddened me was that not all the churches that were involved in D-NOW and involved in the feeding of the homeless had a true servent's heart. After some time they quit feeding these people and fed themselves. It wounded me to see "Christians", those that wear the name of Christ, have such an attitude. I couldn't eat, I couldn't drink. This was for them, not for me. The good Lord said that to the least of these you do to me and some of us should have strived better to "do to the least of these". So we left, ate at a Wafflehouse, and headed back to our small group session before dinner at the Church we were to have worship at. We engaged the guys yet again, and the guys that went, I could see how much of a shock this was to them and how moved they were. I could see already that God was at work and was moving and stirring their spirit. We had quiet time yet again, then we ended with prayer and went to dinner. After dinner we had yet another awesome worship service. There was this skit where the girl and Jesus are walking together and he is showing her all these things, the two move in sync and they dance. Then a guy comes and takes her hand and dances with her. He pushes Jesus out the way, dances, then falls back between her and Jesus. Then a friend with some alcohol drags her around and hands her a bottle, that the girl drinks and then the friend stands between her and Jesus just like the guy. Then there is this model that tells her how she has to look and act, after some time she stands between her and Jesus like the others. Then there is this demon dressed in black that hands her a knife and she cuts herself. Then he hands her a gun and she looks desperately at the gun and around. She puts the gun to her head then throws it down and tries to run to Jesus but the people that are standing between her and Jesus keep pushing her back and after some time begin pushing her around until finally Jesus steps in and takes the burden, takes their beating, and throws them back and away. It then ends how it began, the two walking together, moving in sync, and dancing together. I tell you, it touched everyone in that room. I saw myself as that girl. All the sin, all the choices, all the regret in my life was pushing me back from Jesus. But when Jesus took it all on himself and cast it away, I saw that as this weekend. I was changed, I was touched, my spirit was filled with his power. I can still feel the difference. So after the speaker gave a powerful message, we concluded and I left with a solemn, broken spirit. We got in our small groups when we returned to the host home and I took the lead this time in engaging the guys. I asked them about the skit and they gave me feedback but they started to cut up as young guys do. TJ got furious that we were pouring our heart out, that we had such a powerful, inspiring day, and they still couldn't find the time and place to respect and give reverence to God. So after he basically yelled at them and left, I talked to him, then I went in and talked to them. I let them know that there was a time and place to respect and give God reverence and that time was now. I then asked them to break off from each other and speak to God, to have personal time with him. And they hung their heads and left solemnly. TJ finished his own prayer and came back inside, gathered everyone around, and explained to them why he did what he did. He read scripture, and turned the session over to his brother Chris and myself. Chris immediately handed me the floor. I was a bit on the spot. I didn't know what to do. But I allowed God to show me the way and I winged it. I asked for a tennis ball. As I held it I engaged them. I told them that I would pass that tennis ball around and they were to tell me one thing that really impacted them that weekend; one word said, one action done, anything. So I started off with a general statement. The entire D-NOW had changed my Spritual life, my walk with Christ. As I passed to each one, each guy gave me feedback. I could see how they had changed, I could see that this weekend was an experience they would take to heart and they would grow from. I ended it by telling them how the group had touched me personally and how much I cared for them, how I connected to them. I let them know that D-NOW was the starting point and that they had their brothers and sisters in Christ to support them as they traveled the Straight and Narrow Path. We finished with prayer and we all went to bed.

That morning we went to church, we had sunday school with my Uncle Jimmy as the Sunday School teacher; he was, after all, the youth minister. We then had service and the ones that went to D-NOW sat in the choir loft and the service began. A group of people gave their testimony that had not only themselves, but the congregation in tears. These were young people, youth, challenging the congregation to be better Christians. TJ followed up with a powerful message, with Uncle Jimmy coming after with a heart-felt one. So the service ended and I said my goodbyes to the guys and headed back to school.

This weekend was one for the record books. I'd never have expected to make such a connection and experience such a growth in spirit.Friday night I had confided in TJ that I wondered what would happen after D-NOW. I didn't want to go back to who I was. He told me he wouldn't allow it, he would be my support and keep me on the right path as I will do the same for him.

It's rather late and random thoughts enter my head, some not as deep as others. But one in particular crossed my mind. Today was a relatively slow and boring day and I got little done. I had asked my Mom many times to help me on my english papers, because she took several literature classes and it's one of her stronger points. Well after asking her several times within the day if she could help me, I still got no response.

Which leads me to wonder. Just how often is the question "Can you help me?" downplayed? Most could shrug this aside without second thought. But what became of help thy brother or help thy neighbor? What became of the days when "Can you help me?" meant something? That we didn't just cast aside someone who was asking us for our help. Can we really deny someone without taking second glance at the uttered words? It disappoints me. 

But this lead me to a previous conversation with some friends of mine in a chat. How loose the word LOVE is. It has gotten to the point with me that "I love you" means next to nothing. My friend Stephen says something like this (Mind you, this is paraphrasing nd not exact words.) I can love that horse, or I can love this cereal. The term is so easily thrown around. He further goes into that the greek language had different meanings for these things and that love was a seperate term in and of itself. Love meant someting pure, unconditional, something fantastic. At one point, Love meant this fairy tale thing. I had my own thoughts and ideals on the matter, but my first real relationship broke that and it was something hard to comprehend. I went out with a girl, for several months, and she said I love you to me quite often. I heard it near every day, I thought I finally found this ideal I dreamt of. But then my world came crashing down when she broke up with me and confessed she never loved me. It allowed my innocent mind to see that girls do go against their word. That they can say I love you and not mean it. To me this is a tragedy. It should never turn out that the words I love you mean nothing, that they should be empty. It was due to this that I was hesitant in my second relationship. I didn't want to open myself up again, but found myself doing it and to those same previously empty words, I love you. I finally let down my barriers. I told this girl I loved her. I told her never to say that she loved me unless she meant it. I told her I would never break up with her, that she would break up with me. She insisted she would never break up with me. Yet here I am. Single again. Why? Because I love you was an empty shell, because her word that she would never break up with me was false. I found myself the loyal dog, still not wishing to let go. But eventually, I had to. I realized my mistakes, and I realized the first of these was the empty words, I love you. Empty, meaningless words that hurt so much and make me wish I never had broken out of my shell.

I find that I have less and less respect for today's society, and it often seems to double for women. Sure, I hold no ill will to any of my female friends, but girls especially I find hard to trust. It's just fact. I've been betrayed by several different sides that have caused me to become paranoid, but the biggest betrayal was admitting I love you was false. I see today's society in tinted glasses, not rose tinted either. I see a society that's losing more and more of it's morales until there are no more 'good people' left. What saddens me is that one of the greatest examples comes from me. Once a man of dignity and integrety, but I too was brought down to today's society and revelled in it. It was seeing myself in that society that made me want to leave it behind. But sadly, seeing it from the outside in, it disgusts me. Never have I seen apocolypse (spelling?) until I saw the world around me. I pray God forgive me of my sins and that a miracle happen and this world be brought with some morals.

Oh how I could go on and on about this. But I think that's it for now. That's my thoughts that have been playing in my mind. Perhaps this has lead some insight into the mind of the man, perhaps leading insight to the man himself on who he is. But enough musings, I'm done for this night.

Well. The day started out...ok...I guess? I woke up and got online for a bit, per usual. Then it started raining, as it usually has been doing. Hearing that it was going to be 90% of bad weather I decided to not put off going to the store for my Mom and went just as it was raining, ever so lightly however. Well. I get back and it's raining even harder and the bad weather has hit full force. The power goes out, I have to turn my laptop off, doesn't sound like I'll have a fun day. If nothing else, during the power outage I got my outline for my paper done. I finally understand the paper enough to write an outline and I expect a 10 page paper written tomorrow. Though honestly, getting that outline done was the height of my day.

I've got to say, I'm feeling in a very...negative mood. The title really does say it all. I can get like this for no good reason too, or none that I can think of. I often wonder if there's some chemical imbalance in my brain that causes this on and off depression, more on than off. I don't know. I'm an emotional being, perhaps too attatched to my emotions. I really don't like feeling like this, it's too irrational, but I'm stuck with it. And what seems to go hand in hand with it is how alone I can feel, or cast to the side. I guess that just leads back to issues I have with past events.

Also. Finals start next week, just what I need. I've got all sorts of papers due, two finals, and a freaking literary analysis that I have to present?! I'm NOT a public speaker and I hate doing it! It doesn't make any sense to do it in this class. Anyway, there's that fear that I'm going to fail, which doesn't go hand in hand with my lack of motivation and extreme procrastination. I bring these things upon myself, honestly. Well, if I fail...then I suppose it's what I'm meant to be.

Anyway. I don't want to rant, nor do I feel like whining any further but I did want to let out some of this negative feeling, so here it is. Blah.